I haven’t been able to write for a while due to writers block, I didn’t even know what direction to go in but I believe I need to start moving things in a different direction, I would to start writing about my different experiences that are from my single parent perspective. I don’t feel the need to write every week but as and when I have something I want to say.
So, before I start, I want everyone who is reading to understand that, the things I am about to say is not for anyone to pity me or to think I am complaining; my only motivation for sharing this is to encourage both woman and men to join in this journey of healing through Jesus.
I have coped most of my adult life without the physical presence of a father and I can not even say I had an uncle that even took that place for more than a season in my life. Nevertheless, I coasted through life trying to find comfort in other things and I hoped so much to meet honest, caring and consistent men. Growing up I found quite the opposite as I am sure a lot of women did but I did not know what a decent man really was and I had not experienced a loving physical presence of a father so as a growing adult, I didn’t really understand how to match up words with actions. I never had any affirmation from my Mother growing up and no earthly father present; I also never knew God. The amazing thing about all this and something that still amazes me to this very day is how God still made sure that I received affirmation because I received it from my Nanny, she had me from a baby; a white lady in Portsmouth. My Nan loved me so much and I knew this. She told me, she affirmed me and with her actions. I got hugs and care shown which has enriched my life more than anyone will ever know. Sadly my Nan passed away when I was 14.
After 14 the affirmation went but the seed of the experience of it was still present even though I may have felt it had left. I had to deal with the realness of life at that point; I was not told I was loved for a very long time after that. I have never heard my Dad say that he loves me or he is proud of what I have become and I understand that I can not expect this because my Dad does not know me. I have seen my Dad I think it maybe a handful of times and growing I would wonder why he was not around but I never hated him. Now I am mature and been through many trials and challenges in life; I accept that my Dad is not perfect and that his choices have nothing to do with who I am; I still love my Dad and I pray for him but I accept I may never see him again.
What is so important to me to talk about above all I have just said, is the fact that when you’ve never had a physical presence of a Father in your life, it does affect you even if a Dad is present at home but did not form a father/child relationship with you. I come from two generations of broken homes and the two fathers of my children came from broken homes; this affected all of us. We were trying to do our best. My Dad didn’t tell me that I was beautiful and that I shouldn’t entrust my heart to a fool. I never experienced my father’s protection so I have always felt like I had to protect myself from everything and this just gets so tiring to be honest.
Then I met Jesus and suddenly my life became more purposeful. With God, it’s not a feeling which is so hard for me as I am very emotional but it is a ‘KNOWING’. I know through experience over the time of walking with him that he loves me so much and that he accepts me completely; He will never reject me like others have. He has and continues to teach me my worth; not where other people are concerned but through the things that are written in His word and daily experiences of His care for me.
I will keep it real though, I am learning to trust day by day because God has to remove all the ways in me that has put a barrier and wall up due to not being able to see a father or man physically protect me or show consistent care for me. I sometimes keep trying to find ways and plans to protect myself because of the things I have experienced. I don’t do this intentionally or consciously, it just happens but slowly I am beginning to see barriers break and walls smashed to pieces. I am not going to accept that I should live a life in fear and continue self-protection; I will trust on a deeper level than I have ever seen.
We can not underestimate, how not having a physical presence of a father can have on us and not experiencing the consistency in all he does. Our men our affected by it and so are our women. For a man to not have his Dad in his life or to have his Dad coming in and out of his life, brings internal brokenness that a lot of us women would never truly understand. When we raise young men, we can even more see the importance of Daddy and the affects when he is not there. Our daughter’s develop trust issues with men and seek to find something stable. Let us not stay and live with this part of brokenness within and think it will disappear because sub-consciously a lot of us are living and making our life choices out of this deep hurt.
Truth: Jesus is the only way and please get some counselling because all your future health of your relationships counts on it; I say this through experience.
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