I feel embarrassed to say this but when I was in primary school, whenever we could draw pictures; I would draw a house. Now, not just any house; it has a long pathway leading up to it and it wasn’t straight either it was more like this (Please don't laugh at my drawing; I tried lol):
I didn’t just carry on this obsession at school, I would do it at home as well until that season would pass, I ask myself the question, Why? I had this image in my mind that this was what my life would be leading up to one day, but the picture did not carry all the other things that life would eventually bring; but hey I was a child and children often have hope of good things and they do not think about the grey areas or should I say the bits that go with the picture.
This world teaches us so much and one thing I was trying to pursue once I was grown up was: to make good money, meet the love of your life, get married, buy a house and make babies. This was actually my goal when I was growing in my early teens. However, what if that does not go in the right order “The world order,” that order that you was expecting and hoping and quite frankly; your mind told you that you were going to have one day. Things like sickness, abuse, lack of financial instability, broken families and low self-esteem don’t come into it but as life unfolds, we see things. Please do not get me wrong, some people might say that the order doesn’t matter but for most; it’s a life goal lol.
So fast forward in to my late teens, with a whole lot of doubt, feeling unloved, dealing with body image, Mum and Dad issues, being hurt by men repeatedly and not maintaining healthy relationships; I was lost for such a long time until I found Jesus. Sometimes we can try to sort our own life out and we can continuously make a mess, I now expect God to change me and grow me; I have learnt that doing it by myself might have made me look good on the outside but inside I was just dying. The inadequacy that I felt was very strong but I managed on it for a long while. I can tell you that I have always been quite a confident person but there were days many years ago that I could not get out of my bed because I could not handle my life. This led to me, living in such a way that I did whatever that made me happy at the time and when I found that it did not last long; I became so frustrated. I was running after the goals that I had mentioned and I was failing. I wanted to follow what I believed to be right, so I tried my best to get there; I didn’t believe there was something wrong with me and that I needed to change. I didn’t love myself and when people don’t love themselves; it shows one way or another. I never thought that I even needed to truly love myself so I could love others better.
While I was turning to everything else to fix me, I got pregnant, had unhealthy relationships with men, never viewed men in the right way because my Dad was absent most of my life, got divorced after 3 years of marriage and struggled financially to raise children; the list could go on. When you mess up this world order, you can feel as though you are at the bottom of the pile in life and there is no way out; it hits you on every level. Trust is not there, you feel abandoned, broken, rejected, money disappears, lights go off in your home again and all your children want you to help them at the same time when you can barely help yourself. You fake it until you make or feel better but when you sit at home alone; tears fall from your eyes. Women are very good at wiping those tears and jumping up again but have we stayed down long enough to know who we really are? No matter the good things that are given to us; it will not be enough if we are battling with ourselves. True enough we have goals to me, every day goals and long term goals but are we comfortable enough in ourselves to say it’s ok if we do not get there in the time we expected and still believe everything is going to be alright.
For me, it has been a long journey of inner growth; I thank God for this. I have learnt to forgive and I understand the importance of it for my future, that nobody is perfect including me. I have also learnt that nobody has this perfect life even if they make you think it and that we are all on individual journeys so comparisons can not be leaders in our life. I have understood that love isn’t easy but it is the most precious thing that I have been given from God and through his love for me, it’s enabled me to love myself; even on my weaker days. I believe you can only love yourself more in a healthy way as you understand yourself better and that fuel flows out easily to others; you can’t help loving others and it’s not something that you have to think about doing. With God there is no world order; only purpose is what stands. His beautiful and loving plan direct you into your full potential, independent from anyone else and he works out your life regardless of all your difficulties because he has such a deep love for you. He has brought me from a place where I did not value my life to a place of courage, strength and hope; regardless of the grey areas or what my picture looks like.
Better views: My picture has a great deal of colour in it these days. Oh and they are more mansion looking with cleaners because what is the point of having a large house when you can’t take care of it.
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