I have been pregnant two times, by two different men and have two different fathers of my children. I have had to come to terms with the fact that two times it never worked out. In the past I use to feel really embarrassed to express that I had two different fathers of my two beautiful children; I felt like I would be judged by others and I genuinely felt shame because that was never in my plans. I even believed there was something wrong with me, I wondered how it could happen twice and I was like: “That’s that, no man is going to want me”! This is actually the craziness that you will come up with when you are not thinking straight and you’re emotionally drained.
To allow for sensitivity, I know that there are some single parents that have two or more different Dads to deal with or have to deal with the consequences of Dads that are completely removed from their children’s life but please know just how amazing you are and that if your finding life a little hard to deal with right now; it’s a season and you’re not the only parent going through it. A lot of us can be tired in our silent struggles but as we grow and develop, beautiful things really do happen; never stop hoping.
Now let me tell you; it’s no joke dealing with two Dads of two of your children; communication is a serious issue; we might as well be talking in two different languages and communicating from two different parts of the world separated by time differences lol. If I say one thing it will usually mean another to them and if they say something, I might not always agree because I have done the majority of parenting since separations took place and I may believe what they are saying will not work.
As I continued to parent, I arrived at the realisation that I was in a battle of parenting with two men that believed I did not understand them and nor did I believe they understood me. But the massive difference was that we were not the same people anymore; we had new experiences, new pains and new disappointments after being a parent. To be straight; how was I going to be caring about the things they went through when I had been left to pick up the pieces and provide the main care to children that I thought I would do in a partnership of marriage. Please tell me what Mother really wants to raise a child alone: do we say to ourselves when we get pregnant “Oh, I can not wait to dump this man and look after this child alone; this will be absolutely amazing!” No, it’s not something I can imagine any woman saying; sometimes there is no other choice.
Let me let you in on something that is new to recent years; I have a lot more peace with the two Dads now. Why, you may ask? Well, I decided to forgive them and forgive myself. I understand that things are a lot deeper than we can give them credit for and we all have our different stories but what is consistent is that the expectations were not met, they never stayed there to look after their children because if we believed they would not have; there would be a strong possibility that the majority of them would not have got passed a first kiss. This said every situation is unique and there are some parents that are parenting without the other one because it is healthy for them to do so or because they have sadly lost the Dad or Mum.
In my case, I realised that the two fathers of my children needed to be well and healthy; I understood that it was for my children’s sake. In the end it was not about how the relationships ended or whether trust was gone. On my side, even without getting agreement all the time from these two men, it’s more about my children feeling it. I needed to be kind to their Dads, here and now; it is important that they live to a very old age for the sake of my children. I try my hardest to watch what I say about their Dad’s when I am with them as I know this will affect them and anger can not be in the driving seat while two people parent individually. Through my relationship with the Lord, I have begun to view both their Dads health and happiness as important because I know it would also affect my children. It took me years to get here and every day I am learning. So when I have to communicate with them now; I encourage them and I try to see their point of view even when I don’t agree. I try not to hold on to nothing they say to me and remember that it is because I love my children. The past is the past and I can not change it, however I can be reasonable instead of conflictual; it’s a journey I am on that involves mistakes and upset but I will keep pressing on.
FYI: I tried hard to break this down, but I could have gone on and on here. Please don’t get me wrong, not every absent parent is out there trying to build bridges, some are out there starting fires and trying to hide the fire extinguisher; prayer is needed there. Let’s just make sure we are not the fire starter!
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